Because my home life growing up was quite unstable, I took a lot of comfort in the stability of my friends. I was blessed, in my early tween years, to develop friendships with a core group, who remain close friends to date. I have always felt blessed to have this circle around me. During school, we had so many shared experiences and as we all went our separate ways post high school, we would always return and find time to hang out together. We have been to each other’s weddings, 2 in the group even marrying, the birth of kids, illnesses and dealing with aging parents – we have remained there for each other.
But I have also developed other circle of friends, as one does, throughout my life. And I have to say that I was spoiled from my initial group. I truly believed that given the precedent set, that friendships remain forever. How naive. And throughout university and while working, I have learned to navigate the loss of friendships for no other reason than these people decided or due to circumstances, to move on.
The drifting, to me, is natural. But there have been a couple of instances, where a person, has made the decision that our friendship, is no longer a benefit to them and therefore, it has stopped. There were no conversations or explanations, as one has in a break up, with a significant other. The friend just stopped responding to invitations and stopped communications. In those instances, it used to cause a lot of angst and a lot of internal questioning as to whether there was something that I had done. As I have become older, I honestly have come to realize (but it was a process), that the ending of friendships, was natural, a choice of the other person and likely had nothing really to do with me, but with that person and what they needed in their life. What persons or friends, were necessary for who they are now, as we all evolve and change.
In one friend group of 5, one friend made the decision to remove herself from the circle. We collectively kept inviting her to events, reaching out and having discussions about this friend. I was the one who finally said that I did not want to keep rehashing this topic. If the friend wanted to rejoin, they could and had all of our contact information. But if an event was being planned for me, then I no longer wanted an invitation sent to this person, because too much time had passed, and it seemed disingenuous, to keep making an effort, after years of no effort from this friend. The lack of reciprocity did not sit well with me. And so any discussions about this other person have stopped and I have to say, that this revised circle, has remained strong.
But I am now at a crossroads. I celebrated a milestone birthday this year and have been involved in self reflection about who and what I need, to surround myself with, going forward. And I have started to realize, that based on loyalty to the concept of friendship, I have maintained certain relationships, when they no longer enrich my life and in fact, just the opposite, they bring a level of stress and dislike to my life. And now I am at a point, for the first time, where I am deciding whether I need to start distancing myself from certain people.
It has been in the making for some time, but I am truly a Taurus, and loyalty is important to us. It is a key characteristic. And so this has been at times, divisive, but at other times, decisive. I am at a stage in life, where I no longer feel the need to fit in, but am proud of being my unique self. And I have started to speak more freely about things that I had previously been quiet about, because it did not reflect the collective of the friend group. And there have been moments of shock in response, where honestly, friends had never thought to see the world through my lens and when they did, realized, that I indeed, do have a different narrative from them. We have been so focused on our collective similarities, that the differences became muted. But that started to feel unnatural to me. If these friends are going to remain in my life, then shouldn’t it be because they want to be friends with the true me?
And I have always found that I have celebrated others wins and I strongly believe in lifting those around me, because, that brings me peace. However, I am starting to notice that those friends who relationships I am questioning, are (so uncomfortable using this word) jealous about certain aspects of me. Oprah has been talking about the fact that if there is jealousy in the dynamic, then there cannot be true friendship and I am really starting to see the truth in those words. Many of my friends have come from more affluent starts and have had opportunities different than mine. And although I recognized those realities, I never begrudged those opportunities. Instead, again, from my original circle, we just always celebrated each other. Simple and easy.
However, that mindset has not always been present with other friend groups and that feeling of being scrutinized and constantly assessed, is not a dynamic I want in my life any longer. I also don’t want a constant negative aspect in my life. I have a few friends who whatever stage in life they are in, report back the challenges and the negativity and it become the focus of all conversations. I understand the need to vent in friendships – trust me I do. But one’s life cannot always be at its worst and hardest. That level of negativity, is also a dynamic, I no longer want around me.
I want honesty, trust and comfort to be one’s self, but if one’s self is always focused on the negative, then I think that I am out, for now.
And so, do I drift away, or do I explain my decision, to those people, who I no longer see benefitting me? I am still working on this aspect.
Adulting is hard – I am waiting for it to get easier.
But that’s just one Diva’s view.
Diva's View 