Category: Uncategorized

So yes, yesterday on Keeping up with the Kardashians (yes, I watch it and am not embarrassed that I do), I was reminded that as we get older, our ears and our noses get bigger!  Really? I was just hoping for a larger wallet!!

Since I was a young girl, my “aristocratic nose” has been one of my things.  My nose became prominent at a young age, which is not surprising, given my parent’s noses.  My parents would show me paintings of Indian Rajahs and Ranis with prominent noses to assure me that this was a gift and not a detriment, but it was never a very convincing argument.

I read all I could about how to use make up to make your nose look smaller, and when I got older, I considered and explored getting plastic surgery.  And the only thing that held me back was Jennifer Grey.   Yes Jennifer Grey – Baby in Dirty Dancing.  She too had a prominent nose in Dirty Dancing, but that in no way took away from her appeal in Dirty Dancing and Patrick Swayze’s character falling in love with her.  And you have to admit that she was super cute in Dirty Dancing and had her own appeal. That was quickly lost after the nose job.  She became generic….not unique and I think that her lack of roles is a reflection of that loss of appeal.

And so I put the thoughts of plastic surgery on the back burner until Ashley Simpson…..yes I really do follow a lot of pop culture.  Her rhinoplasty was brilliant.  She still maintained her Ashley Simpson appeal…..she just looked better.  And so the thoughts of plastic surgery briefly visited again, especially if I could guarantee Simpson like results.

But I have to say that notwithstanding that with age comes a bigger nose and ear lobes according to Kris Kardashian’s plastic surgeon, wisdom and acceptance also come forth as well.  I was in my 20’s when I decided that if I felt that everyone was always staring at my nose, I might as well give them something to look at and I got my nose pierced.  And as I grew older, I just became more comfortable with my nose.

In the age of selfies, I took more side profiles and I did not love all of them, but I grew to accept that this is me!  And although it may not be my favourite feature, for now, it is a part of who I am, my look and my uniqueness.  I wish sometimes it was Sophia Loren in size and attractiveness, but that’s not my destiny.

And perhaps if it starts to get bigger in the future, then I may explore plastic surgery.  But for now, it is part and parcel of who I am and a part of my style and I’ll embrace it.  But that’s just one Diva’s view.

When I started my first “corporate job”, I had just graduated from high school and I started working as a summer student in a company.  In our department, there were 3 South Asian female students and we were forever being called the other’s name.  Being naive, I thought nothing of it, but was constantly confused as to why.  Outside of being South Asian, we looked nothing a like.  Our hair was different, our builds were different, our names were different, and yet..it seemed like we were interchangeable and for all intents and purposes, because we were students for the summer, there was no need for the regular staff to be able to distinguish us from each other.  But we were young, and needed the job and experience and so, I just spent the summer correcting everyone, when an error was made about who I was.  Because that is what your name is – an identifier for WHO YOU ARE!

Fast forward 20 plus years.

Now a partner at a mid size regional law firm, where at the end of my tenure, there were only 2 South Asian female lawyers, myself included.  Again, the only thing we had in common was that we were South Asian and both of our names started with an “S”.  I was at the firm for 13 years, and throughout my time there, I was provided the incorrect expense cheque for the other “S”, sent calendar invites meant for the other “S” and received calls for the other “S”.  That was nothing compared to being called to my face, the other “S”‘s name, all of the time.  At some point, after you try to laugh it off, you get angry.   Yes angry is the word.  Not annoyed or confused, but angry!

Can you really not tell us apart?  It is 2017.  Do all brown women look alike to you?  Are we all interchangeable, even at the partnership level?  Am I really making a big deal of a what is in your eyes, a minor mistake?

And that is why people are starting to push back right now on diversity, authenticity and feeling accepted, especially in the legal community.  It means something, not to be seen.  When you constantly confuse me for another South Asian woman, the message you are sending is that we are all the same.  You do not need to take time know me.  You do not need to identify who I am and what my worth is to your organization.

And thank goodness, I do not get my worth from you! At the end of the day, it was really only a pay cheque.

And although I believed that I would rise up and change the world, sometimes, it is just better to remove yourself from the situation and accept that the environment is not right for you.   If after 13 years, you do not know me, then it is time to say good-bye.

But here’s a word of advice……better not make the same mistake with your South Asian clients.  Because there are more and more “racialized” clients, who will respond by moving their business elsewhere, if they are thought to be “the same”.  Perhaps that will make more of an impact than the loss of just another South Asian lawyer.

But that’s just one Diva’s view.

On the week-end, I was in a change room with my daughters.  A woman came up to me to ask if they were twins and I responded that they were and then she asked how old they were.  I advised that they were about to turn 6.  And she responded, “They are tiny”, while standing over them.  And that’s when I got angry, but decided to respond, as little eyes and ears were observing everything, and said that no one had ever referred to them as tiny and in fact, when they were born, they were each 6 lbs.  Probably more information than she needed, but she did not say anything and left.  I continued to change my children, but inside, I was upset.  Do people really have no sense?  And the answer is no!

I guess that I am more attune with this, since I have always been of a “smaller frame”, which is the kind way of saying skinny, thin, slender, skeletal……you name it, it has been said to my face.

And I was about the age of my girls, when I started to demonstrate a smaller but natural frame, which I had inherited genetically from my parents, when they were younger.  And as a kid, being heard yourself described as skinny and constantly being told by family, friends and strangers “to eat” really took a toll.  I have learned to accept that I have a naturally smaller build now, but back then, it seemed to be the only reason I drew attention.  Not because of my talents or successes, but it was a way to define me in a negative way, because too many compliments may spoil the child, you know !

And I really do not want this to be repeated for my children.  If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.  Especially, when young and impressionable children are listening.  Because as much as my parents made me feel beautiful and loved, the defining mark on me were comments by others on my weight and size and I really do not want my children having that same experience.  And I know that I cannot shield my kids from everything, but I can say, hey world – have some sense and think before you speak.  Be kind and keep your unkind thoughts to yourself.

But that’s just one Diva’s view.

I was recently at a business meeting.  Let me preface this by stating that I have not slept properly for a few days, due to my children being sick, waking up in the middle of the night….you name it, I have been dealing with it.  Knowing that I had this meeting, I may have overcompensated with the make-up, which instead of masking my fatigue, highlighted it!  Tip to self – watch more youtube videos on covering dark patches under one’s eyes.

My colleague sitting beside me commented that I looked tired, to which I retorted, that he really needed a course on compliments.  However, my other colleague in attendance commented that I looked like I had a “glow”, to which I suggestively touched my stomach playfully commenting, “well, you know…..”.  We were just bantering in fun, when a senior colleague responded in dismay, “You are not pregnant, are you?  You already have 3; aren’t you done?”

Let’s parse this out, shall we.  Part one; “You are not pregnant, are you?”  As if this was the worst thing that could happen.  As if my senior colleague is privy to my private family  planning discussions with my partner.  As if my senior colleague has the right to be in disbelief.  As if my senior colleague has the right to an opinion on this.

Part two;  “You already have three”.  As if there is a limit on how many children a professional woman can have.  As if 3 is too much as it is.  As if my senior colleague has the right to an opinion on this.

Part three; “Aren’t you done?” As if I am being greedy, selfish, idiotic, (insert any number of adjectives) by suggesting the possibility of a 4th child.  As if my senior colleague has the right to an opinion on this.

All of this in 2017.  And the senior colleague; a she, not a he.   Did that surprise you?

And as I think about how to raise to her, in private, why she should never make the following comments in public, let alone at a business meeting, it just reinforces that we may pretend to be progressive and forward thinking, but at the root of it, we still carry and perpetuate stereotypes, which we still feel free to publicly vocalize.

In this day and age, where we appear to pay lip service to diversity and sexuality, isn’t it ironic that we still cannot wrap our minds around professional woman having a family, and it not being a hindrance to her career?

But that’s just one Diva’s view.